Secret Panel HERE 🔪
You Might Also Like
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
đź‘€
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”