me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.