*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?