[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast