I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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