I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Breaking news:
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.