Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.