ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away