I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
My background check bounced.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…