If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you