I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
This fish is cracking me up
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.