LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
knights of the ikea table
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Still cracks me up
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire