HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell