[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*