I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
This is amazing.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?