I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.