*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.