To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Modded the new Gran Turismo
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?