I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Heroic Misunderstanding
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
nobody’s gonna understand
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode