My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
How I’d get arrested…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.