Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Who called it baking and not making love
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Lmbo
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.