*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.