Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”