No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%