Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
You Might Also Like
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful