I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.