me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.