It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall