I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.