kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying