My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur