Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.