I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared