Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.