The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.