If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.