He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
You Might Also Like
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The struggle is real
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part