My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend