occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I wish I could veto my bills.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking