I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Are you ok, human???
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER