A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.