Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.