*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
This classic never gets old . . .
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.