My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.