[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.