When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home