“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks