What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.