This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Imma just leave this here…………
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
ok like just. call me at this point
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”