Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Bread puns are on the rise!
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings